Eternity

“who could love a bitch”

I’m scared to weigh myself. I’m not even sure how long it’s been since I weighed myself, but I know that I’m terrified. Scared to step on the scale.. and see that I haven’t lost a pound. I’ve been consuming no more than 700 calories a day for a week now. Surely atleast a pound is bound to come off of me. I have been working out in the gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and then I do Insanity every Tuesday and Thursday. When I work out, I’m usually in sweats and a tee so I can sweat more. I don’t have to with Insantiy, the sweat just pours off, and it feels awesome. Although I do feel like I’m dying during the cardio, it sure does feel great to have sweat dripping from my face, arms, and legs.. I will weigh myself first thing tomorrow morning… Wish me luck.

I never knew that Chiquita Banana’s are 110 calories for an 8” banana. Holy Moly! I can have 2 cookies for that amount!

Today got way out of control. I had too much to eat, and I just felt miserable and fat. I made myself throw up, and to tell the truth, it felt good. It felt, right. I do feel more tired now than I did before, but I fell like it was worth it. When I wake up in the morning and weigh myself like I do Every morning, and see that a lost yet Another pound, I will be so stoked! Someone I know told me that I looked like I haven’t been eating, that I look like I’ve lost more than just two pounds. I haven’t, but that’s what they said. I have been working my ass off in the gym for four weeks straight already. It wasn’t until I started keeping track of my calories and become self conscious of them that I have actually begun to lose the weight that I so desperately want off, desperately Need off. I just want to feel beautiful in a bathing suit, even naked for my baby. But I don’t, not right now, and I never did. I always hear that voice in my head saying “Thunder thighs!”. “You’re a fat cow, why would he every find you attractive?”. “Look at all that thigh fat”. “Love handles Galore”. I even get that scene from Hot Chicks in my head of the really skinny girl in the dressing room, “Back fat Betty, and Tina the talking Tummy”. Hopefully one day, I will be skinny enough to were I feel beautiful enough. Maybe even Enough.